Dear Restoration Hardware, I hate you.

Earlier this week I received this email from Restoration Hardware:

“Fu*k!” I yelled. I was busy the rest of the day and I forgot about it until I got home from work and saw this fu*king thing on my doorstep:

I dragged that stupid mofo inside and immediately posted this ad on Craigslist:

Surprise, no takers. I was curious and weighed it:

11.6 POUNDS?! WTF.

The next day I tried to see if it was useful as a bathroom prop:

 

She still couldn’t reach.

I finally I decided to bring the catalogs to the Restoration Hardware store in Santa Monica on Third Street Promenade. A super-friendly man-woman duo greeted me enthusiastically, but when I opened up my bag and pulled out the giant catalog brick, their cheery smiles faded a bit. They looked at each other and the man said, “WOW. THANK YOU SO MUCH for bringing this back to the store.”

Trust me, it was my pleasure. I snapped a pic as they scurried away. You can see in the photo that the man is using two hands to carry it.

 

Now it’s Restoration Hardware’s problem, not mine. Hooray!

And yes, I am removing my name from their mailing list. So long, suckas. Here is the link to cancel if you are interested: https://www.restorationhardware.com/customer-service/catalog-cancellation.jsp

 

What Happens When You Give Painter’s Tape to A Three-Year-Old

I hope this post doesn’t give you nightmares.

“The mean witch captured her”

“He has a lot of boo-boos”

“The cow is carrying him”

4 Ways That Planning A Kid’s Birthday Party Is Like Planning A Wedding

At a recent family birthday gathering, someone asked me if I had already planned my daughter’s 4th birthday party.

“#^&$*&! What month is it?!” I asked myself. Whew, it was only March, and her birthday wasn’t till June. I had plenty of time to think about my options, or so I thought, until that same person walked up to my daughter and asked if she would be excited about having a big birthday party just like the one we were attending right that second. And of course, my daughter squealed and said, “Yes!”

My daughter, who loves balloons and parties.

Doh. This year I was thinking about surprising her with a trip to Disneyland instead of throwing a party.

And now this evening I am staring at a spreadsheet that compares the cost of an outdoor-park-bouncy-house-party vs. an overpriced-indoor-event-pizza party, and I just realized that the only other time I’ve done a cost exercise like this was for my own wedding. Planning a birthday party is like planning a wedding in more ways than one, though. Here are four more:

1. SOMEONE GETS SNUBBED

For every birthday party (and wedding) there is an A list and a B list. It a tough task to limit the number of guests, but the line needs to be drawn somewhere to keep costs down. Even if you think you are being stealthy with your invites, thanks to inventions like Evite and Facebook, people will usually find out when they aren’t invited to something through word of mouth or seeing a feed of party photos. People will talk about you behind your back. It happens. I’ve seen other moms do it. I’ve done it. It’s petty, sad, and true.

For my wedding, I didn’t know where to draw the line on guests, so I had a destination wedding so my guests could self-select themselves. Hey! Maybe I should have a destination birthday for my daughter in June. Somewhere like Cabo San Lucas. Then I won’t have to explain to anyone “we are keeping it small this year” and avoid awkward conversations with the mothers of the preschool bullies. Everyone’s invited!

2. $HITTY GIFTS

In almost all cases, the cost per headcount of the event will exceed the market value of an attendee’s gift. This goes for both weddings and birthdays, so there should be no expectation that the gifts make the event worth the trouble. I really wish there were registries for birthday parties. That would prevent me from getting more than one Disney princess nail polish and manicure set (yes, that happened last year). A registry would let my guests know that my daughter likes blue and green, and prefers robots and dinos over Prince Charming collectibles.

3. LEFTOVER FOOD

People want to make sure they don’t run out of refreshments, but it seems that at every birthday I’ve attended, there is a crazy excess of food, and no real means of sending it home with people. Same goes for a wedding: it feels tacky enough to go home with a floral arrangement, let alone a gallon-sized Ziploc of shrimp croquettes and a giant tray of crudités. Maybe this year a grocery bag full of cold pizza and baby carrots could be the new trend in goodie bags.

4. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

When did birthdays get to be so expensive? I don’t even remember having a party until I was old enough to have people spend the night. All we got every birthday was a cake. It was usually a customized, character-themed cake from the local chain grocery store, and it was delicious. And I got to eat most of it in a span of three or so days, which was the best treat of all.

My friend told me that she attended a 5-year-old’s birthday party at someone’s house in Pasadena, and it was really extravagant. How fancy, you ask? There was a roller coaster in the front yard. A ROLLER COASTER.

Parents, can we all make a pact to tone everything down a bit? Birthdays have gotten out of hand, and I am too poor and not creative enough to keep up with the Joneses, especially if the Joneses have roller coasters.

A LAST WORD:

Birthday parties (and weddings) are stressful and chaotic, but they also bring smiles to people’s faces and provide happy memories. So…here we go again. With the birthday party. Not the wedding.

Maybe next year my kid will be ok with Disneyland.

 

Going Out At 40+

Today’s guest post is by Linda Lu, One-time Jimmy Choo collector into behavioral targeting, shopping, rewards/points, payments, and monetization. Lover of new technology, travel, stationery, ramen, scotch whiskey, and the occasional bourbon. Previously published in Atomica Magazine and PC Home Journal.

Going Out? You Know You’re Old When…

#1 Heels 

• Back then: Always wear the hottest pair of hamstring-torturing heels for the night. This requires rockstar parking (max 1 block away). Failing that, valet the car because these heels weren’t made for walking.
• Now: Pay the valet but ask to self park. This way, you can swap out the heels for flats after dinner. Either way the valet wins, but with self park your feet don’t hurt and you’re not crying.

#2 Outfit

• Back then: Cutest possible outfit, no matter what. Jackets are a liability because it’s hot when you’re dancing in the club.
• Now: Just looking at their outfits makes you shiver. They are in short skirts, barely-there whisper tees. You’re in a sweater and jacket, plus scarf.

#3 Girls’ Night

• Back then: Girls having fun, drinking, talking about sex. Photo-bombed by super cute boys.
• Now: Girls having fun, drinking, talking about sex. Photo-bombed by super cute kiddie at the next table. Made my night.

Thanks for contributing, Linda!

Morning People vs. Night People

This is my husband and me in a nutshell. Can anyone relate?

Car Seat Lost and Found

A graph of items I found in my kid’s carseat when I finally vacuumed today. What lovely, stale treasures have you found?

4 (More) Online Dating Profile Photos That Make Women Want to Vomit

Well, it seems that the last post about online dating profile photos resonated with a bunch of you. Here are a few more types of photos that we’ve added, thanks to the feedback of our readers.

1. The “Which One of These Motherf*ckers are you?!” Photo

What’s the deal with guys who post profile photos of themselves posed with a group? The worst photos are the ones where the woman has to spend time scouring the image, trying to guess which one is the eligible bachelor. So single dudes: please crop your group photos, or just don’t include them at all. Well, unless you are a Chippendales dancer and the photo is of you and your other hot buddies. Then please post more!

2. The “Unfortunately It’s Not Halloween” Photo

There are tons of profile pics of guys dressed in ridiculous costumes on Plenty Of Fish. In short, it is not ok to show yourselves dressed as Santa, Hello Kitty, or out-of-shape Batmen to win over the ladies.

3. The “Apple Fritter” Photo

Kin to the “Sweaty, Bare Chest” photo mentioned in the previous post, these are images of dudes kissing their glistening biceps and looking all Incredible Hulk in their vain poses. Some (maybe most) of these guys have more muscles than brain cells. I personally find these photos really creepy. Then again, I find bodybuilding kind of creepy in general. *shudder*

4. The “Yosemite Sam, Yippee Ki Yay, Motherf*cker” Photo

I’ve mentioned the word “motherf*cker” three times now! A new record!

Ok, confession time: gun-wielding men scare me. I don’t know any sane women who’d look at a photo of a guy holding a firearm and think to themselves, “My soulmate!” I don’t think this kind of guy is really hookup material either, honestly. He might, like, murder you.

My friend showed me a photo of a guy named Hector, 36, who lives 7 miles away from the San Fernando Valley. He had two guns ablazin’ at a party. A party! I bet everyone laughed at all of his jokes and was really nice to him. I hope it wasn’t a kid’s party.

Thanks for reading! And Happy early Valentine’s Day, mother*ckers! (Yes, FOUR!)

*Photos courtesy of Plenty Of Fish.

6 Online Dating Profile Photos That Make Women Want to Vomit

In the last few months I have encouraged many of my single girlfriends to go online to meet men.

I’ve volunteered to photograph their profile pictures, helped edit their bios, and have been a cheerleader as they go on awkward date after awkward date. For my busiest of friends I’ve even helped sift through inboxes and “favorited” guys that I think would be good matches for them. I have seen thousands of men’s profiles, and one of the worst things a guy can do on these dating sites is have a terrible profile picture.

Single men, if you have any of these types of photos in your profile, please delete them immediately.

1. The “Posed With My Bitches” photo

Who are these women? Are they childhood friends? Exes? Hookers? Why would you tap into a woman’s insecurities/jealousy/inner bitchiness by posting a photo with one or more women ogling you?

2. The “I’m Not In The Photo” photo

Why would you include a photo without you in it? Are you the photographer? Do you have secret powers of invisibility? I want to know. Actually, no I don’t. Who cares?

3. The “Sweaty, Bare Chest” photo

If you skim through any of the dating websites, there are tons of men’s photos of pectoral selfies, usually standing in front of a mirror. I am assuming these guys are online to hook up and not looking for anything serious. If you’re a guy and are looking for someone long term, please have a profile pic that shows your face. Otherwise we’ll assume you’ve got the male version of “butter face,” or you’re a little too obsessed with your own body parts and not really interested in anyone else’s.

4. The “Caricature of An Evil Magician” photo

Some men look good with facial hair, it’s true. But if you are frequently mistaken for an evil magician, or Satan, please shave it off. Seriously.

5. The “Photo With A Random Car” photo

Unless you actually own a Bentley or a Tesla, you’re not impressing us with you standing in front of a car, especially if it’s not yours. Are you trying to show us that you like cars? Well, we all like cars. Most of us drive them to places. Keep the car obsession to yourself and we won’t share photos of us standing in front of a $10,000 Louis Vuitton purse.

6. The “I Really Need To Groom” photo

There are many types of #groomingfails photos, but ones with mullets, runaway mustaches and beards, and Rapunzel-like chest hair are among the worst. Go ask any honest woman to help you clean up. A nice shave, trim, or machete-whacking can do a world of difference.

I hope these tips were useful. Now go get ’em, tiger!